Want someone to listen

Saturday Morning

I am lonely. My head is swirling with so many thoughts I cannot even keep up. Everything is different.

I miss my daughter. I want nothing more than to hug her and snuggle her and reassure her things will be ok. 

I am dying to hear her voice, her laughter. 

It does not feel like Christmas. My own mother wanting my ex husband to have custody of my daughter. My ex husband who I left in 2012 because I was being abused by him, and I did not want Teagan to grow up in that type of environment. My mom wants me out of the house, and doesn’t care where I go, or even if I have a place to go. Doesn’t care if I am alone on Christmas, doesn’t care that my daughter will be without me on Christmas. My mother knows that I have no job, because of her and my evil twin sisters ploy worked, and I lost my job. I feel stuck. Legitimately and utterly stuck. Sad beyond belief.

I thought I had felt pain before. Now compared to then, that was nothing. Childs play.

What on Earth have I ever done to these people? That’s what I want to know. It really doesn’t matter though. I see who they really are. I want to never be like them. Break the cycle. Joanne is an emotionally abusive person, who uses her job to her advantage to play puppet master to her children. She manipulates the system, her family. 

It’s despicable. She is despicable. 

I recently had a conversation with a woman who is a mother. This woman has every reason to not speak to me. We spoke of forgiveness and she supported me. Talked to me like a human being. She talked to me. This is what is sticking out in my mind, of the type of woman I should and do look up to as a moral compass. I want to be like her as a mother, and most definitely as a person. Unconditional and genuine. 

My own mother cannot even have a conversation. My own mother cannot ever be supportive or proud, unless its of my junkie sister. 

I am my mothers only child who has not had a DUI or been addicted to drugs. I am the only child who gave her a grandchild. So what the actual fuck?

My head wants to explode. I am trying to control my emotions as best as I can. The silence is killing me. My heart is killing me. I cannot take this.

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Uncategorized, Want someone to listen

Betrayal

There are so many different kinds og betrayal. They all warrant a different level of pain and suffering. I have been betrayed so many times in life. This time was completely different. This was irrevocable and unforgivable. This was the kind that changes your life, fucks up everything you ever believed and kicks you in the dick, leaving you on your knees breathless and asking “Why???”

What do you do when your own family betrays you and tries to take the only thing on this planet you care about away? That one thing being my  daughter. My baby bird.

What if it’s you or own mother and twin sister and brother who are at the helm of this shit hurricane.

The layers to this story are so messy and deep, that even I cannot figure out how to explain them, or even where this story begins.

I think it all begins before my existence. I think it all begins with my mothers own up bringing and family life. Her values and standards that were created in her childhood and bestowed onto her children. These ideas festering in us in all different ways. 

She has told me of growing up so poor, having an alcoholic mother. She told me of not being properly taken care of and being made fun of for her looks. Never having money or attention.

I mean when you really think about it, childhood is where we all get our own value systems and shitty issues for us to carry into adulthood.

All in all, there is no excuses for their behavior. NONE.

As a mother myself, I cannot fathom this fuckery. I simply cannot. I used to look up to my mother. Now I cannot even say “mother” without shuddering at the mere thought of her.

This is so fucked.