Saturday Morning

I am lonely. My head is swirling with so many thoughts I cannot even keep up. Everything is different.

I miss my daughter. I want nothing more than to hug her and snuggle her and reassure her things will be ok. 

I am dying to hear her voice, her laughter. 

It does not feel like Christmas. My own mother wanting my ex husband to have custody of my daughter. My ex husband who I left in 2012 because I was being abused by him, and I did not want Teagan to grow up in that type of environment. My mom wants me out of the house, and doesn’t care where I go, or even if I have a place to go. Doesn’t care if I am alone on Christmas, doesn’t care that my daughter will be without me on Christmas. My mother knows that I have no job, because of her and my evil twin sisters ploy worked, and I lost my job. I feel stuck. Legitimately and utterly stuck. Sad beyond belief.

I thought I had felt pain before. Now compared to then, that was nothing. Childs play.

What on Earth have I ever done to these people? That’s what I want to know. It really doesn’t matter though. I see who they really are. I want to never be like them. Break the cycle. Joanne is an emotionally abusive person, who uses her job to her advantage to play puppet master to her children. She manipulates the system, her family. 

It’s despicable. She is despicable. 

I recently had a conversation with a woman who is a mother. This woman has every reason to not speak to me. We spoke of forgiveness and she supported me. Talked to me like a human being. She talked to me. This is what is sticking out in my mind, of the type of woman I should and do look up to as a moral compass. I want to be like her as a mother, and most definitely as a person. Unconditional and genuine. 

My own mother cannot even have a conversation. My own mother cannot ever be supportive or proud, unless its of my junkie sister. 

I am my mothers only child who has not had a DUI or been addicted to drugs. I am the only child who gave her a grandchild. So what the actual fuck?

My head wants to explode. I am trying to control my emotions as best as I can. The silence is killing me. My heart is killing me. I cannot take this.

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