Erased

I am tired of feeling this way. Tired. Exhausted. Sick of crying and having swollen eyes. I’m tired of these thoughts and this sadness. I feel alone. 

I watch people living their lives. Smiling and happy. Enjoying Christmas parties and their family and friends. No one notices me drowning on my own thoughts.They go about their lives and walk right past me. Fetal position crying and gasping for air and strength to go on, and they walk right past me. I am a burden. I am like a rock in their shoe, annoying and they just want to get rid of me. I feel as if I am being erased, like some weird movie montage of my life going backward. Slowly and painfully being erased. I don’t matter.

Can someone just not give up on me. Please help me. If your see me crying, its not for attention. It’s actual pain. I dont feel like I matter anymore, honestly. 

I have court today. I am petrified. Honest to God petrified. I cannot take anymore bad news. I am afraid.

I keep asking for signs. Signs things will be okay. I keep asking Jesus to be with me. Somebody be with me please. 

All i want is my baby back. I need her back. She belongs with me. 

Framily

Family is not always blood. It’s the people who are there when times are good or bad. Always want the best for you and see the best in you. Those that hold a mirror to your face not to put you down, but to hold you down. Those that are patient not because they are forced but be, but want to be. 

Blood is thicker than water, unless its blood thats polluted and infected. Toxic blood. A non-match. Sometimes its better to amputate than nurse a wound. 

Fuck. I have never understood more clearly than I have in this moment what family is. Family is what bonds you. Family is created not a bloodline, in my opinion, but by much more. Much much more. 

As i feel lonely in this moment, I also feel a sense of gratitude. Thanks to all who have encouraged and supported me. Those that fought with me in order to shake some reality and life into my bones. Thanks to those who see my light when I dont, and reminding me of what a strong person I am. 

God damn. Thank you. 

From the bottom of my A+ blood type heart.

A Corner…

Growing up I have never lived in a house long enough to settle in and call my own. My parents separated when I was 6 ish. We left my dads big house and bounced in and out of rentals up until I was in high school. My mom had built a house and for awhile it really felt like home. Warm and cozy, friends and family always over. I loved it. I was settled finally and that was my corner of the world. 

Then she sold it. I moved out when I was 18, and lived in a few more houses, but that’s what I thought you did at 18. 

Fast forward to me meeting my husband. We buy a house. I enjoyed every second of decorating it, getting it ready for holidays. It was mine. My new little corner of the world. There was chaos on the inside, but it was home. When I left it was very hard. I moved back in with my mother into her new house in a new town. I have been there for four years. 

Now with everything going on, I have not been home since December 2, 2016. With all the crap and drama going on I thought it was best I take some space from the source of the problem, from the toxicity. The eye of the hurricane. At first it was okay, but now I am missing my bed. My space, my things, my routine. I cant stand it anymore. I have nothing. No bed of my own, no space of my own. No corner of the world to call my own right now.  

That’s all it comes down to, all that i want. Security and assurance. No chaos. My own little safe corner.

Saturday Morning

I am lonely. My head is swirling with so many thoughts I cannot even keep up. Everything is different.

I miss my daughter. I want nothing more than to hug her and snuggle her and reassure her things will be ok. 

I am dying to hear her voice, her laughter. 

It does not feel like Christmas. My own mother wanting my ex husband to have custody of my daughter. My ex husband who I left in 2012 because I was being abused by him, and I did not want Teagan to grow up in that type of environment. My mom wants me out of the house, and doesn’t care where I go, or even if I have a place to go. Doesn’t care if I am alone on Christmas, doesn’t care that my daughter will be without me on Christmas. My mother knows that I have no job, because of her and my evil twin sisters ploy worked, and I lost my job. I feel stuck. Legitimately and utterly stuck. Sad beyond belief.

I thought I had felt pain before. Now compared to then, that was nothing. Childs play.

What on Earth have I ever done to these people? That’s what I want to know. It really doesn’t matter though. I see who they really are. I want to never be like them. Break the cycle. Joanne is an emotionally abusive person, who uses her job to her advantage to play puppet master to her children. She manipulates the system, her family. 

It’s despicable. She is despicable. 

I recently had a conversation with a woman who is a mother. This woman has every reason to not speak to me. We spoke of forgiveness and she supported me. Talked to me like a human being. She talked to me. This is what is sticking out in my mind, of the type of woman I should and do look up to as a moral compass. I want to be like her as a mother, and most definitely as a person. Unconditional and genuine. 

My own mother cannot even have a conversation. My own mother cannot ever be supportive or proud, unless its of my junkie sister. 

I am my mothers only child who has not had a DUI or been addicted to drugs. I am the only child who gave her a grandchild. So what the actual fuck?

My head wants to explode. I am trying to control my emotions as best as I can. The silence is killing me. My heart is killing me. I cannot take this.

Betrayal

There are so many different kinds og betrayal. They all warrant a different level of pain and suffering. I have been betrayed so many times in life. This time was completely different. This was irrevocable and unforgivable. This was the kind that changes your life, fucks up everything you ever believed and kicks you in the dick, leaving you on your knees breathless and asking “Why???”

What do you do when your own family betrays you and tries to take the only thing on this planet you care about away? That one thing being my  daughter. My baby bird.

What if it’s you or own mother and twin sister and brother who are at the helm of this shit hurricane.

The layers to this story are so messy and deep, that even I cannot figure out how to explain them, or even where this story begins.

I think it all begins before my existence. I think it all begins with my mothers own up bringing and family life. Her values and standards that were created in her childhood and bestowed onto her children. These ideas festering in us in all different ways. 

She has told me of growing up so poor, having an alcoholic mother. She told me of not being properly taken care of and being made fun of for her looks. Never having money or attention.

I mean when you really think about it, childhood is where we all get our own value systems and shitty issues for us to carry into adulthood.

All in all, there is no excuses for their behavior. NONE.

As a mother myself, I cannot fathom this fuckery. I simply cannot. I used to look up to my mother. Now I cannot even say “mother” without shuddering at the mere thought of her.

This is so fucked.